Some Subtle Changes

Up to the point I came out, I viewed the world through an odd duality.  I had my "male" persona which was determined to be tough.  It would reject fear saying, "You're a guy, you've got nothing to worry about."  It would also say things like, "You don't need help!  You're tough, you can handle this!"  On the other hand there was my female mind which would see two guys on the street and wonder if they would hurt me if I came too close, or worry about having to defend herself if someone else got violent.

I suppose there is no surprise that my "male" persona, which I created to try to stifle and control my dysphoria, spent a lot of time trying to calm those feminine fears, and also pushing away other people.  As this persona has been rapidly dissolving away, there are a few things that are becoming more consistent and prominent in my mind (unity in the mind, as I am discovering, is one of the most peaceful feelings, that is easy to take for granted if someone has never experienced such disunion).

First of all there is the fear.  At first this confused me a lot.  I mean I had always experienced fear before, my "male" side just talked me through it. Now "You're a guy, things will be okay" rings hollow, and the best I can muster is a "You still look like a guy so nothing should happen," which is not very comforting in the long run. 

Additionally, things I had never considered before began to come up for me.  I've becoming keenly aware that one of my roommates owned a gun.  I'm also bothered by the fact that I can't reason out what they are thinking or feeling a lot of the time.  I began to actually notice myself feeling a bit afraid, when nothing seemed to have changed externally.  The simple act of coming out and the fading of my "male" persona, had created a shift in the balance of our apartment.  We were no longer three guys sharing a place, but two guys and one girl.  Even though they've acted the way they always do, my emotions and perspective changed.

Of course, there have been a myriad of positive things I've noticed as well.  One that I'd like to share is that I've been able to rely on others a lot more.  Without the need to feign toughness, I feel safer opening up to friends.  I've also been able to understand quite a number of things about myself.  I've noticed that girls react to many situations emotionally first.  I've always found that I had a hard time sorting my thoughts and making choices until I could first talk about the emotions involved.  As I've been relying on others a bit more, I've been able to process through a lot of this better, and I've also been finding many of my relationships to be more fulfilling.  Additionally,  I've also found that I'm much more okay with having more casual relationships than I did before, and in general I've found it much easier to get along with people since coming out.

There are still lots of things I'm going to learn over the next few years as I settle into myself, some will be scary and many will be exciting, but I walk this road with good friends and a clear mind; two things that I wouldn't trade the world for.

Roadblocks and Moving Forward

A few days ago I had the joy of walking 10 miles (if I had realized it was that far I would have borrowed a bike or woken up my roommate), to the county health department, so I could try to find some help with medical expenses.  My muscles are still crying from the experience.  However, aside from the sore muscles I was also able to hopefully solve a complex and frustrating problem by applying legwork, hard work, and resolve. 

I am reminded of something that happened almost a year ago, when I was still living in Utah and feeling particularly trapped by my life circumstances.  I was texting a friend at the time and I complained to her that, "It feels like life keeps slamming doors in my face."  She replied saying something I suspect many of us have heard before, "Go find a window then." A few months later, that window flung open as I started getting my plans to leave the state in place.  And while that window ended up setting me down about 1,000 miles west of where I thought it would, my life has definitely improved a lot since then.

I've noticed that there have been a lot of times in my life where I've known what I needed to do to improve things, but I chose to let the first excuse that got in my way stop me from progressing.  Human beings really don't like feeling  powerless,  and as such change tends to scare us.  We love to run right up to the edge of change then sit down and dream of how much better things would be, without actually doing anything about it.  There are a few reasons I think we do this. 

First,  there is nothing certain about change.  Our day to day lives tend to be pretty similar.  We wake up, we eat food, we sleep.  We might go to work, or have a day off to shop and talk to friends, but at the end of the day, our life is something we know.  We are intimately familiar with our routines, and while we might even despise them, we know what we can handle.  Change would mean facing something new, something we've never done before.  Sure, we like to dream about how we think things will be, but often without something pushing us over the edge, people seem to stick with what they know.

Second, change means loss.  While I'm sure all of us have taken a look at ourselves and wondered why do I do this to myself?  In reality, every behavior, every habit, (even our self-destructive ones) serves a purpose to us.  We began doing everything for a reason.  That reason may be flawed or full of unintended or negative consequences, but changing that behavior means facing something, losing something, or usually both. 

Third, pressure from friends and family can push away change.  As a race, we are social creatures.  We do not exist on islands all alone, and the choices and changes we make do not only affect us.  Over time we form complicated interactions with our friends and family, which end up supporting and fulfilling each other's desires. Naturally, when one person makes changes in their life this can upset those around them, and sometimes create unintended voids in another's life. These people often without intending to, will find ways to stop that balance from being upset.  The mean the best and we love them to death, but sometimes they end up getting in the way.

So the question still remains:  how do we get over these roadblocks and enact change in our lives?  I think for many people, situations in our lives end up forcing a lot of changes.  After all jobs change, friends move, technology progresses, and life forces us to adapt, whether we want to or not.  Of course waiting for life to change us is a gamble, and even when those life moments come, the changes they force will not always be the ones we want.  There are ways for us to get over roadblocks by our own power, and I'd like to touch on a few of the ones I know.

Identifying the things that are in our way is usually the first step to making a change.  Because we often put roadblocks in our path ourselves, in order to move past them we need to understand why we put them there to begin with.  This often means confronting fears and emotions that we keep hidden.  These buried emotions often require a lot of energy to contain, and consequently this step can be incredibly difficult for very complex problems.

Another way to help overcome roadblocks can be to ask for help from others.  While sometimes our friends and family can get in the way, they have an equally powerful ability to help uplift, motivate, and support us.  Friends have insights into us that often we don't see from our perspectives.  They also help lighten our loads my listening and validating our emotions.  Those close to us are also able to help us see through the lies we try to tell ourselves, and bring out the potential and strength we hide away inside ourselves.

Sometimes, our situation can be so hostile or unsupportive that in order to progress we have to get some space.  For me living in Utah was one of those environments.  I absolutely did not feel safe coming out about my gender issues there.  I had to get out of there to be able to feel safe to deal with my issues.  For some people this could mean changing jobs, moving away from home, changing roommates, or finding a new boyfriend.  A flower cannot grow properly in poor soil. 

The final thing I'd like to mention is the most difficult, but quite often the most profound way to overcome obstacles in our life.  Once we make a decision with our heart and commit ourselves to the concept fully, there is absolutely nothing that can stand in our way.  When achieving our goal is the most important thing to us, the other steps we need to take begin to fall in line naturally.  We immediately look for another path when one closes to us.  Reaching this level of certainty and clarity about a decision in our life is a rare thing.  It requires that we believe with absolute certainty that our goal is worth any pain and any risk we take to reach it.  I've noticed that many times in my life I've had to "decide" to do something more than once before I'm truly ready to commit myself to it fully.  However, the times in my life where I've reached this level of clarity, have achieved better results for me than any other effort I've put forward.  I continue looking until I find a way over and through every obstacle in my way. 

For me coming out as the woman I am was one of those moments.  I spent years inactive, depressed, uninsured, and lonely.  Within the last week, I've made many new friends, began an exercise routine, walked 10 miles to find health coverage, and I feel better than I have in over 10 years.  I've noticed that problems often tend to develop out of "root" problems, and attempting to address these auxiliary problems without addressing the root, is futile.  Because just like an unwanted dandelion, if you cut off a leaf it will always regrow or be replaced by a new one.

Regardless of the reasons, I do not believe there are ever obstacles that cannot be overcome with proper patience and hard work.  One of the most beautiful things about being human is that we always have choices in our lives, and that no matter how bleak, how hopeless, or how low we sink the ability to make positive changes in our own lives and the lives of those around us is inherent.  No power in existence has the ability to take away this very essence of our humanity.

I wish you all the best as you overcome roadblocks in your own lives.  Your existence is precious and you should always treat yourself as such.

Things Lost and Things Gained

Loss is an inevitability in life.  Everyone of us experiences loss throughout our lives, from the frustration of a stolen 20$ bill, to the heartrending loss of a loved one.  Loss leads us to feel frustrated, powerless, angry, and in pain.

Earlier today I was having a conversation with some friends, and in a bout of silliness I realized some losses of my own.   I was being silly and dramatic and I ended up roleplaying like a middle school girl on the playground.  I realized I will never be able to go back and re-experience growing up as a woman.  I will never have memories as a girl talking with high school friends, youthful slumber parties, or my first period.  Instead, I will always have my memories as an invader in a world in which I didn't belong but tried my damnedest to fit into.

I grew up seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly of what it means to be male.  I've been privy to locker-room conversations and facets of masculinity that most men would never show if they'd realized a woman was watching them.  While much of it is the foolish fantasies and bravado of juveniles, I've seen this "forbidden world" for myself.  In spite of the exposure, I never truly understand what drove these boys who we're supposed to be my peers.  They could be cruel, boastful, and were regularly obsessed with proving how tough they were.  Even among the nerds men were still viciously competitive.  Living as a male felt like a constant battle for supremacy, where victory was everything, and to lose meant falling prey to condescension, bullying, and sometimes worse.  I taught myself to play their game, even though I hated it.  I tasted the thrill of victory, the spoils of war, and the shame of defeat, and felt empty through it all.  I tried to rationalize myself to it all, saying that competition made me better, stronger, faster, but I couldn't help but wonder about those tread down along the way, and the efficiency lost from fighting when we could be working together.  Even when boys would work together on teams, clubs, groups, or gangs, the competition would be everything.  Rather than friendly sport, rivalries were often vicious, violent, and ugly.

I'm going to take a moment and apologize to all of the guys the above statement does not apply to.  There are guys out there who are far less aggressive than their peers.  Many of them suffered bullying at the hands of their peers and turned out to pretty chill dudes.  I also apologize because as a girl in a boy's world many of my experiences are colored by that light, which sometimes means I view things in a way that's a bit more critical and negative than reality with regards to men.  My experiences with my father and grandfather certainly did not help my perceptions of men.

Fortunately, by the end of high school/the beginning of college guys became more tolerable as responsibility, relationships, and brain development kicked in more.  I learned that guys could be caring, protective, reliable, and generous.  These kinds of traits are ones I felt good trying to emulate, and I'm proud to have them as a part of who I am today.

It's hard for me not to look back and wonder how life would have different if I was born properly as a cute little girl, or even if I had been able to address my dysphoria at puberty instead of 10 years later.  Though at the same time, without the experiences I've been through, especially the painful and difficult ones, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

In conclusion, we often think of our tangible losses, but those losses of opportunity can sometimes be equally as painful to think about.  In the end though, the things that we gain along the way are often of immense value, and the secondary value of loss is that through loss, we learn how precious and valuable what we do have is.

Letting the Light in at Last

I decided to write up my story to this point for several reasons.  First of all it's long, encompassing a lifetime of secrets and hidden agony.  To simply walk up to someone I've known for years and tell them that I'm really a woman and have been all along, is confusing and difficult to understand.  I worked hard to keep my secret, found complicated outlets for my girlish fantasies and survived in any way I could, but in the end I can deny the truth of my existence no more than I can deny the sky is blue.

Secondly, for some people, especially my family, a more detailed and clearer explanation is owed.  I have lied to them the most, and whether they end up able to understand me or not, I want the truth to be out there as clear and detailed as I can.  It's the least I owe to the mother who has loved me and been there for me my whole life.

Finally, I write this up here in the hopes that it can help people understand the true reality of people born with my defect.  The women and men out there trapped in the bodies of the wrong gender, forced to be at odds with their very existence.  If sharing my story can help someone who has had to suffer as I did in any way, then this blog has served it's purpose.

Finally, the following story is a work in progress.  I spent all morning compiling the basics into some kind of legible format so I could get this on paper and begin sharing my story.  However, at this stage there are many details left out, since I was overwhelmed by memories I had forgotten, emotions I had hidden away, and thoughts and lies I had told, to the extent that I could not sort them all out in a single session.  I fully intend to add more details over the next few weeks and months as well as, add subheadings to improve the readability of this story.  Without any further ado however, I present the rough draft of my years of pain and the reality of my life to this point.

I have always been a rather emotional, and delicate person. As I child I remember being more sensitive than my male playmates, and while many of the details of my childhood are fuzzy, I remember being much more interested in playing pretend. I also remember having an interest in doll houses, cute things, and princess outfits but I was smart enough to know that such things were not for boys and that I wasn't supposed to be interested. I kept those thoughts to myself and tried to fit in as best I could. My father wanted me to become some kind of sports star and I was enrolled in all kinds of sports leagues and such all through my young life, which I hated and was not very good at. I few other random memories I have are of playing games my sister's would get like Detective Barbie and house a lot.

From the time I entered kindergarten all the way through middle school I was bullied increasingly for being a crybaby, called gay, and generally singled out and rejected by the “alpha males.” My childhood friend made things worse by playing with me at home and teasing me vigorously at school. I was told I was teased because I was so smart and that the other children were simply jealous, but I always felt distinctly different like something wasn't right about that explanation.

Around puberty I began to become more aware of gender differences and found myself increasingly distressed by the behaviors of my male peers and I noticed huge discrepancies between the way they thought and the way I did. Hormones drove me insane, putting my inner self at odds with these crazy chemicals making me violent, hypersexual, and very confused. I remember having very detailed vivid fantasies where I was female and I remember praying to god and then the devil asking them to change me into a woman because that was what I was supposed to be. Outwardly however I was terrified what would happen to me if caught, so I built up a “male” facade, suppressing myself and trying to force my feminine side away. I believed, because of general and religious stigmas and beliefs, that my gender confusion was a phase, part of my hormones, and that it would pass if I endured it. 

I was so ashamed and terrified of rejection that I forced it all deep inside, and for years tried to force my thoughts to those of a “normal male.” I became callous, insensitive, arrogant, and aggressive, all of the things I hated most about men. This persona, so at odds with my true self, was dominating me fueled by the raging hormones, but no matter how engrossed I became in becoming what I hated, the discrepancy remained. I was a girl and what I was doing was wrong, and was not me. I felt incredible loneliness, depression, self-loathing, outcast, strange, and inhuman. Much of my thoughts were fixated on women, but not by a desire to unleash the hormones within, but rather I wanted to know what it felt like to be touched, loved, and embraced. I wanted the feelings and sensations that I should have been feeling as my true gender.

When I was 14 my anger and hyper-sexuality caught up to me, and I ended up in therapy. While the full details of that experience would take up a small novel, suffice it to say the process was long, grueling, and slow paced, largely because I was attempting to heal myself while simultaneously denying my gender and refusing to talk about my true gender. However, in spite of my continued deception regarding my gender, I was still able to eventually succeed in a number of important things. I was able to regulate my sexual desires and hormones better, and I was able to restore my compassion, logic, sanity, and self-control. I was able to feel better about myself because I no longer embodied all of the traits I so despised. I could cry again sometimes, and I could reach out emotionally and respond with empathy. The real me was beginning to return. Naturally however, this only strengthened the reality that my body and gender were out of sync. But I lived in Utah and raised Mormon, I was deathly terrified of losing my family, and being rejected by society for this defect of my birth. I continued to lie to myself that my problem was just in my head, and things my gender problems would be defeated if I just endured longer and pushed it away. I was obviously full of shit.

I met a girl as I was starting college, and we started dating. I truly loved her, but after a number of months together we attempted to have sex, which ended in disaster. My body was clearly aroused and excited, but my groin would not respond properly. This confused and distressed me further. At other times my penis was out of control, frustrating, and wouldn't stop, but when I was there with someone I cared for, every part of my body responded except the one area I needed. The relationship went badly soon after and this would later become further evidence to me that I could not live my life as the wrong gender.

Nevertheless, family pressure and years of fear are not so easily dissipated. The next few years continued in depression, and suffering. I failed school more than once, barely managing to preserve my eligibility for financial aid. My job ended and I lapsed into one of the greatest depressions of my life. I hated myself for what I was. My efforts to motivate myself and turn things around were met with apathy. I began to believe that I was incapable of loving myself and that I was just the kind of person who could only motivate for others' sakes. Fortunately for me as I went broke, I switched my depression fuel from a playing DDO (which was at the time subscription) to playing a Free-to-play game called Perfect World. I lasted for only a few months there but during that time several significant things happened. I ended up in a bit of a rebound relationship with a girl I met there, this helped me by giving me someone to feel responsible for and allowed me to function better. Of more lasting significance I met the core group of friends who have followed and supported me to this day. When I quit Perfect World, they followed, and we formed what would eventually become the gaming community Fallen Sun Gaming(FSG). Additionally I managed to land a job again and had a successful semester in school. These things helped me get on my feet again but I was still in heavy denial. After several years, of changing majors, barely scraping by, I came to the conclusion that I could not be honest with myself and sort out my problems while I still lived at home, and in such a deeply religious and judgmental state.

Conspiring with one of my best friends, Brian, I slowly concocted a plan to get myself out of Utah, and give myself the space I needed to really sort out what was holding me back. I wanted a new start. I switched to an online university (which has done wonders for my school success) and poured my loans into making this dream a reality. After a very messy sequence which involved a huge change in destination midway, I arrived in Lansing, MI to a comfortable 3 BR apartment.

My brain continued to protest that my body wasn't right. Separated from the pressure of my family, I slowly began to research and and consider the idea. After three months back and forward on this I was in a conversation on the Teamspeak Server FSG maintains, and the conversation reached a level of seriousness that compelled me to hint that I had “gender issues.” While not quite a full coming out, this conversation strengthened me because I was received well, and I another friend also identified that he had similar problems. After that conversation, nothing was really said for a few weeks, as I let things stew and tried to force myself back to the status quo. My mind however would hear nothing of it, the emotions I'd worked so hard to keep inside were boiling over everywhere for me. I began to examine some of my denial and fallacies that had keep me so chained for so long, and a few days ago the emotions finally refused to be contained any more. My very soul screamed for correction, for healing, for unity, and I approached several friends one at a time and completely outed myself, my struggles, and my true gender to them.

Since then these past few days have been a flurry of freedom, emotion, memory, and research. In the past 3 days I have done more to crush my lies and free my inner feelings, than I was able to in 5 years of therapy. I've felt my motivation and creativity flooding back, and I've started eating better, exercising and generally giving a shit about my well-being. I can barely begin to describe the relief and freedom I've felt being able to act like my mind wanted to all these years, to say things I was terrified to say for fear of being found out. I can use tildes~, say things like *huggles,* and go into fits of girlish joy over cute things. I have a long way to go, but now that I've safely left my prison I can never go back to that hell. I am myself, the girl I was meant to be, and I will not rest until I can be that self fully in body, mind, and spirit.