Up to the point I came out, I viewed the world through an odd duality. I had my "male" persona which was determined to be tough. It would reject fear saying, "You're a guy, you've got nothing to worry about." It would also say things like, "You don't need help! You're tough, you can handle this!" On the other hand there was my female mind which would see two guys on the street and wonder if they would hurt me if I came too close, or worry about having to defend herself if someone else got violent.
I suppose there is no surprise that my "male" persona, which I created to try to stifle and control my dysphoria, spent a lot of time trying to calm those feminine fears, and also pushing away other people. As this persona has been rapidly dissolving away, there are a few things that are becoming more consistent and prominent in my mind (unity in the mind, as I am discovering, is one of the most peaceful feelings, that is easy to take for granted if someone has never experienced such disunion).
First of all there is the fear. At first this confused me a lot. I mean I had always experienced fear before, my "male" side just talked me through it. Now "You're a guy, things will be okay" rings hollow, and the best I can muster is a "You still look like a guy so nothing should happen," which is not very comforting in the long run.
Additionally, things I had never considered before began to come up for me. I've becoming keenly aware that one of my roommates owned a gun. I'm also bothered by the fact that I can't reason out what they are thinking or feeling a lot of the time. I began to actually notice myself feeling a bit afraid, when nothing seemed to have changed externally. The simple act of coming out and the fading of my "male" persona, had created a shift in the balance of our apartment. We were no longer three guys sharing a place, but two guys and one girl. Even though they've acted the way they always do, my emotions and perspective changed.
Of course, there have been a myriad of positive things I've noticed as well. One that I'd like to share is that I've been able to rely on others a lot more. Without the need to feign toughness, I feel safer opening up to friends. I've also been able to understand quite a number of things about myself. I've noticed that girls react to many situations emotionally first. I've always found that I had a hard time sorting my thoughts and making choices until I could first talk about the emotions involved. As I've been relying on others a bit more, I've been able to process through a lot of this better, and I've also been finding many of my relationships to be more fulfilling. Additionally, I've also found that I'm much more okay with having more casual relationships than I did before, and in general I've found it much easier to get along with people since coming out.
There are still lots of things I'm going to learn over the next few years as I settle into myself, some will be scary and many will be exciting, but I walk this road with good friends and a clear mind; two things that I wouldn't trade the world for.
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