A few days ago I had the joy of walking 10 miles (if I had realized it was that far I would have borrowed a bike or woken up my roommate), to the county health department, so I could try to find some help with medical expenses. My muscles are still crying from the experience. However, aside from the sore muscles I was also able to hopefully solve a complex and frustrating problem by applying legwork, hard work, and resolve.
I am reminded of something that happened almost a year ago, when I was still living in Utah and feeling particularly trapped by my life circumstances. I was texting a friend at the time and I complained to her that, "It feels like life keeps slamming doors in my face." She replied saying something I suspect many of us have heard before, "Go find a window then." A few months later, that window flung open as I started getting my plans to leave the state in place. And while that window ended up setting me down about 1,000 miles west of where I thought it would, my life has definitely improved a lot since then.
I've noticed that there have been a lot of times in my life where I've known what I needed to do to improve things, but I chose to let the first excuse that got in my way stop me from progressing. Human beings really don't like feeling powerless, and as such change tends to scare us. We love to run right up to the edge of change then sit down and dream of how much better things would be, without actually doing anything about it. There are a few reasons I think we do this.
First, there is nothing certain about change. Our day to day lives tend to be pretty similar. We wake up, we eat food, we sleep. We might go to work, or have a day off to shop and talk to friends, but at the end of the day, our life is something we know. We are intimately familiar with our routines, and while we might even despise them, we know what we can handle. Change would mean facing something new, something we've never done before. Sure, we like to dream about how we think things will be, but often without something pushing us over the edge, people seem to stick with what they know.
Second, change means loss. While I'm sure all of us have taken a look at ourselves and wondered why do I do this to myself? In reality, every behavior, every habit, (even our self-destructive ones) serves a purpose to us. We began doing everything for a reason. That reason may be flawed or full of unintended or negative consequences, but changing that behavior means facing something, losing something, or usually both.
Third, pressure from friends and family can push away change. As a race, we are social creatures. We do not exist on islands all alone, and the choices and changes we make do not only affect us. Over time we form complicated interactions with our friends and family, which end up supporting and fulfilling each other's desires. Naturally, when one person makes changes in their life this can upset those around them, and sometimes create unintended voids in another's life. These people often without intending to, will find ways to stop that balance from being upset. The mean the best and we love them to death, but sometimes they end up getting in the way.
So the question still remains: how do we get over these roadblocks and enact change in our lives? I think for many people, situations in our lives end up forcing a lot of changes. After all jobs change, friends move, technology progresses, and life forces us to adapt, whether we want to or not. Of course waiting for life to change us is a gamble, and even when those life moments come, the changes they force will not always be the ones we want. There are ways for us to get over roadblocks by our own power, and I'd like to touch on a few of the ones I know.
Identifying the things that are in our way is usually the first step to making a change. Because we often put roadblocks in our path ourselves, in order to move past them we need to understand why we put them there to begin with. This often means confronting fears and emotions that we keep hidden. These buried emotions often require a lot of energy to contain, and consequently this step can be incredibly difficult for very complex problems.
Another way to help overcome roadblocks can be to ask for help from others. While sometimes our friends and family can get in the way, they have an equally powerful ability to help uplift, motivate, and support us. Friends have insights into us that often we don't see from our perspectives. They also help lighten our loads my listening and validating our emotions. Those close to us are also able to help us see through the lies we try to tell ourselves, and bring out the potential and strength we hide away inside ourselves.
Sometimes, our situation can be so hostile or unsupportive that in order to progress we have to get some space. For me living in Utah was one of those environments. I absolutely did not feel safe coming out about my gender issues there. I had to get out of there to be able to feel safe to deal with my issues. For some people this could mean changing jobs, moving away from home, changing roommates, or finding a new boyfriend. A flower cannot grow properly in poor soil.
The final thing I'd like to mention is the most difficult, but quite often the most profound way to overcome obstacles in our life. Once we make a decision with our heart and commit ourselves to the concept fully, there is absolutely nothing that can stand in our way. When achieving our goal is the most important thing to us, the other steps we need to take begin to fall in line naturally. We immediately look for another path when one closes to us. Reaching this level of certainty and clarity about a decision in our life is a rare thing. It requires that we believe with absolute certainty that our goal is worth any pain and any risk we take to reach it. I've noticed that many times in my life I've had to "decide" to do something more than once before I'm truly ready to commit myself to it fully. However, the times in my life where I've reached this level of clarity, have achieved better results for me than any other effort I've put forward. I continue looking until I find a way over and through every obstacle in my way.
For me coming out as the woman I am was one of those moments. I spent years inactive, depressed, uninsured, and lonely. Within the last week, I've made many new friends, began an exercise routine, walked 10 miles to find health coverage, and I feel better than I have in over 10 years. I've noticed that problems often tend to develop out of "root" problems, and attempting to address these auxiliary problems without addressing the root, is futile. Because just like an unwanted dandelion, if you cut off a leaf it will always regrow or be replaced by a new one.
Regardless of the reasons, I do not believe there are ever obstacles that cannot be overcome with proper patience and hard work. One of the most beautiful things about being human is that we always have choices in our lives, and that no matter how bleak, how hopeless, or how low we sink the ability to make positive changes in our own lives and the lives of those around us is inherent. No power in existence has the ability to take away this very essence of our humanity.
I wish you all the best as you overcome roadblocks in your own lives. Your existence is precious and you should always treat yourself as such.
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